Loss, Love and Life in 2020 - A Pandemic Journal Entry

In the event you’re needing some positive, colorful, loving encouragement today, this is for you.

2020 has been a challenge for all of us, that’s for certain. It’s been a tremendous season of loss and heartbreak over here and I’ve been in a grief-stricken state for the majority of the year. Every time I come close to terms with a loss, another one happens. My grandfather passed away at the end of January, the same week as Kobe Bryant. Just over a month later, my friend Jackie passed away unexpectedly in March. And in June, a childhood friend lost a rapid battle with an extremely aggressive brain cancer. Mix in all the turmoil and devastation from the pandemic, in an election year filled with even more police brutality, and I’ve really been struggling. I keep thinking how lucky we were to be able to have a funeral for Grandpa right before the world shut down and my heart aches for those lives who haven’t been properly celebrated yet. It’s all a bit much to handle this year.

I am a feeler, a wear-my-heart-on-my-sleeve-er. I feel everything to the max. Total 4 on the Enneagram, if you’re familiar! I tend to get swallowed in my own darkness, but lately I’ve been wondering about all those in my life I haven’t seen in months. Friends, family, clients. You’re all on my heart and I’m hoping that if life is giving you lemons, you’re making the most of it. If not, you have my deepest appreciation and I hope you’ve turned those lemons into a nice stiff cocktail!

What I’ve found to be the most therapeutic this year is my garden. It’s something to take care of and tend to, other than myself. I’ve been harvesting basil and making pesto every other day and picking small floral bouquets for around our house. I’ve lost two lavender plants this week, and I’m pretty bummed because those are my favorite! Even my horticulture background doesn’t make me immune to plant loss but I’m at a loss as to why they died. I blame the pandemic. Or the 80 trillion ants.

Jackie’s birthday was this past Sunday; she would’ve been just 42. I was out watering, fertilizing and picking flowers this morning when I realized I wanted to create an “edibles” project but when I saw what I was creating, I knew it had to be a tribute to honor her life. Colorful, vibrant and beautiful - just like her. I sure miss you, Jax.

Much love friends. Still missing you all.

xoxo, Courtney