Loss, Love and Life in 2020 - A Pandemic Journal Entry

In the event you’re needing some positive, colorful, loving encouragement today, this is for you.

2020 has been a challenge for all of us, that’s for certain. It’s been a tremendous season of loss and heartbreak over here and I’ve been in a grief-stricken state for the majority of the year. Every time I come close to terms with a loss, another one happens. My grandfather passed away at the end of January, the same week as Kobe Bryant. Just over a month later, my friend Jackie passed away unexpectedly in March. And in June, a childhood friend lost a rapid battle with an extremely aggressive brain cancer. Mix in all the turmoil and devastation from the pandemic, in an election year filled with even more police brutality, and I’ve really been struggling. I keep thinking how lucky we were to be able to have a funeral for Grandpa right before the world shut down and my heart aches for those lives who haven’t been properly celebrated yet. It’s all a bit much to handle this year.

I am a feeler, a wear-my-heart-on-my-sleeve-er. I feel everything to the max. Total 4 on the Enneagram, if you’re familiar! I tend to get swallowed in my own darkness, but lately I’ve been wondering about all those in my life I haven’t seen in months. Friends, family, clients. You’re all on my heart and I’m hoping that if life is giving you lemons, you’re making the most of it. If not, you have my deepest appreciation and I hope you’ve turned those lemons into a nice stiff cocktail!

What I’ve found to be the most therapeutic this year is my garden. It’s something to take care of and tend to, other than myself. I’ve been harvesting basil and making pesto every other day and picking small floral bouquets for around our house. I’ve lost two lavender plants this week, and I’m pretty bummed because those are my favorite! Even my horticulture background doesn’t make me immune to plant loss but I’m at a loss as to why they died. I blame the pandemic. Or the 80 trillion ants.

Jackie’s birthday was this past Sunday; she would’ve been just 42. I was out watering, fertilizing and picking flowers this morning when I realized I wanted to create an “edibles” project but when I saw what I was creating, I knew it had to be a tribute to honor her life. Colorful, vibrant and beautiful - just like her. I sure miss you, Jax.

Much love friends. Still missing you all.

xoxo, Courtney

Everyday Life - Lockdown Style Family Photo Session

This lockdown life has been good for me in terms of photography and getting creative! Since I’m not able to get close to people physically when I’m photographing these days, it’s harder to pose and give direction. Especially when really small children are involved. SO… I’ve been documenting more lifestyle/real-life and going back to the roots of what made me fall in love with portrait photography!

Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy taking a nice family photo with everyone looking at the camera. That’s what parents want, usually, and I also appreciate those types of photos with my own family as well. But, what makes my heart soar the most is when I take a bit of a fly-on-the-wall approach. When people forget that I’m even there, that’s when I make some of my most favorite photos I ever take. They show genuine emotions & reactions. They’re not “too posed” or stiff. People let their guards down. They’re too busy just being themselves and not worrying about how they might look on camera. Typically, this is pretty easy to do with kids in general because they aren’t as self-conscious about how they look and their attention spans are shorter so they forget I’m there quicker! ;)

If you’re photographing your own kids at home these days, try this approach instead of asking them to smile! They’ll appreciate it and you’ll hopefully love those in-the-moment photos even more. Time goes by so quickly, let’s document real moments in real life.

Stay safe, friends.

I Went Back to Film! Want to See Some Side-By-Side Comparisons?

Last summer I bought a film camera. The first I’ve had since I sold my original film camera 15 years ago. When I sold mine, after everything I was doing was digital, I never had a clue that I’d go back to film. But upon seeing this camera, there was an urge to get back into it. When I was in school for photography, my class was the very last class to learn film before they tore the darkroom down. Everything was leading toward digital and the space made room for more available studio shooting space. But it was a sad moment when that happened. Excitement toward digital but also a sombering moment that an art was dying.

During this pandemic, when all I’ve had is time, I found two incredibly ancient rolls of film. One black & white, one color. I have no idea how old they were, or if they would even turn out but I put them in the camera and I went for photo walks. That’s all I could do for the past few months… walk. But taking my cameras out on walks was more therapeutic than I thought it would be. Both digital and film had given me a way to see things I’m normally too busy to stop and really appreciate. I’d gotten in the habit of only bringing my camera out if I had a session or had something to shoot at home for a client. I wasn’t shooting anything for me, for fun, anymore so this was a perfect opportunity to get my creative juices flowing again. All I did was photograph whatever inspired me, and places I found beauty.

Below are just a few of the scans I got back from the developed rolls. Surprisingly, they all developed well! I took the B&W roll to a local lab here in Chicago called PrintLab and sent the color off to the FindLab per recommendation of a friend. I was very happy with both services.

While I’m only using my film camera for personal passion projects right now, someday I’ll think about incorporating them into client sessions. I’m way out of practice with film, though, so I need to develop my craft before that can happen. I expect too much out of myself for client sessions and can’t be held back by fumbling with a camera!

Much love, all. I hope you’re hanging in there!

My film baby.

Can You Tell Which is Film and Which is Digital?!

Film

Digital

Digital

Film

Digital

Film

Digital

Film - Still getting used to the focusing of this old camera!

Film